The Painful Truth of Infertility

I know that we promised dance party pictures for the Kiesels, but today is not the day for dance party pictures. That day will have to come later. If you are getting anxious you can email me and I'll send them on.

Lately I have been thinking a lot about infertility. As I write today, I hope I have approached the subject with sensitivity. Some things are difficult to talk about. This is one of them. We are not looking for sympathy. Every person has their challenges and this is ours right now. However, for whatever reason, I feel compelled to write this post. These are our experiences, both the good and the bad.

When Ryan and I were engaged we discussed the topic of children. At that time we decided that we would begin trying for children immediately after marriage. At 21 yrs old I was young and nervous about having kids, but it felt right. Sometimes I still feel young and nervous, but that doesn't change the fact that we want to have children. As of today we have been trying to have children for two years and nine months. For the past year we have been trying for children with the help of medications. I thought I would outline the bad and the good that comes from infertility. Here goes . . .

Seven not-so-pretty facts about infertility.

1.) After years of trying for a baby, you start to go crazy. Seriously, your emotions are everywhere. Today I was planning a trip with my sister-in-law. When thinking about the dates for the trip and I broke down crying because we “might” be on the trip for my ovulation days. I cried because I would be away from my husband and his lovely sperm for a few simple days. Never mind the fact that we haven’t been able to get pregnant on cycles that are perfectly planned. Eventually I realized that I need to enjoy my life. I can’t plan everything around my erratic monthly cycle.

2.) You hate people who have kids. It’s not that you truthfully hate them; it’s just difficult to see someone with a brand new baby without feeling bad for yourself. When you are dealing with infertility you just have to learn to be happy for others while accepting the fact that you may still be sad for yourself. You may also find yourself resenting people who disrespect or mistreat their kids.

3.) Infertility is expensive. Prescriptions, fertility testing, and procedures cost money. A lot of money. Plus, a lot of insurance companies don’t pay for infertility treatments so you are left footing the bill on your own. Sometimes you wonder how long you should pay for treatments that “might” work before moving on to something like adoption that has a higher likelihood of giving you children. Of course, you always have that nagging voice in the back of your head that says, “but this month could work.” In many ways this inner battle is more difficult than paying the out-of-pocket costs.

4.)It physically hurts. Having an IUI hurts. Other women go through far more invasive treatments that involve surgery and recovery time. Fertility drugs make menstrual cramps difficult to deal with and many women going through infertility get hormone shots monthly.

5.) You will go through more pregnancy tests in a month than some women use in their entire lifetime. After spending a large amount of money on pregnancy tests for several months, I bought 50 pregnancy tests online for a bulk price. Some people may laugh, but it is quite possible to test five or six times in a month. Every negative test hurts, but somehow the itch to know “for sure” has you peeing on those expensive sticks every other day. Sometimes every day.

6.) People can be incredibly insensitive with their comments and you can incredibly sensitive. No one wants to hear “maybe you should just adopt”, “relax and it will happen,” or “it’s just not the right time” when they are dealing with infertility. However, saying something is usually better than saying nothing. Infertility is often invisible. No one wants to talk about cervical mucus, when you do the baby dance, or the latest treatments you are going through. The truth is, even if we are grumpy or overly sensitive, sometimes we just need a shoulder to cry on. It really does help to know that somebody cares about what you are going through.

7.) You will blame yourself. The truth is, in a couple dealing with infertility, one or both of you will find yourself questioning your life. You will ask yourself questions like, “What have I done?”, “Is God angry with me?”, “Am I eating the wrong things?”, or “[enter other crazy reason]?” No matter how great of person you are, your insecurities will come to the surface.

There is a happy side to this story. No, we are not pregnant. Not yet, but we have hope for the future. So what is the good thing about going through infertility? It makes you stronger. I am confident that I will be a better mom because of this struggle. I doubt I will take my children for granted. I have become closer to Ryan. Together, we know we can tackle anything. We have had the opportunity to really get to know one another. We have had more time to finish school. I have had the chance to work as a writer. We got a dog. Most importantly, we have learned that God truly is in control of our lives. We will have children, but it will be on His timeline. I think our Faith is stronger. Truthfully, we can’t complain about our lives. We are so blessed and we know we will continue to be blessed. I want all of you to know that God lives and loves us. He watches over us in all that we do. Our lives don’t always go the way we want them to. They are messy, raw, unfinished, and sometimes painful, but this life wouldn’t be beautiful without all of it.

Patricia