Lucky in my infertility

On Sunday I had a woman I know ask me about my pregnancy and how the twins are doing. Now, this is a fairly common scenario these days. My belly is getting big. Most people that know me know that we are expecting twins. We went through the niceties, I told her how we were all doing and that the twins are growing well. Then she said something to me that frankly, has kind of blown my mind. She said, "You are so lucky to be having three kids." Of course, as someone who adopted my first child and had to do massive fertility treatments for these next two my first reaction was not one of agreement. In fact, the first thought that popped into my head was how unlucky I have been. I wouldn't call being used as a human pincushion lucky. Neither would I consider the years of heartache, the sometimes invasive adoption process, the thousands and thousands of dollars spent for children, lucky. However, this sweet and loving woman went on to say that she had always wanted more children, but was only able to have one (of course, she did mention that he is the best one). But, the conversation has stuck with me. I have been lucky, or as I would like to say, blessed in my infertility journey. Since this conversation I've been reflecting on some the ways the I have been blessed through my infertility and I thought I'd share. I cannot share them all, but here are just a few.

Three years ago, Ryan and I had been through just about as much as we could take. We had already been through about two years of expensive fertility treatments, and at that time had finished two cycles of what was the most costly treatments to that point. Nothing had worked. Month after month we considered options and had to decide if we should keep going (and avoid getting that much needed second car), or stop. So we took a break. We were at the point where we had done everything in the fertility world but the biggie: In Vitro Fertilization (IVF). Ryan had been pushing me for months to consider adoption, but my heart just wasn't in it. So during our break we stopped to consider, do we move forward with IVF or do we go to adoption? I was on the fence for a long time, but one Sunday morning, I had a clear impression from my Heavenly Father that we were supposed to adopt, and that it would happen quickly. Of course, Ryan was ecstatic. One month later, we had all of our adoption paperwork in, and four months after that we brought home the most beautiful baby boy I've ever seen. My son's adoption process was nothing short of a miracle. I can say that with the same kind of surety that I know the sun exists.

Anyone who has adopted knows that there are plenty of ups and downs. For years I had wanted nothing more than to have the experience of carrying life within me. I had wanted the beautiful birth story. That shared experience with my child. In some ways, I lost that when I adopted my son. I remember vividly the day he was born. We had cautiously gone to see his birthmom and to meet him. She was amazing. Despite the pain she was in from an emergency c-section she was sweet and loving to us. She let us hold this precious life she had carried for nine months. She didn't have to let us see or hold him, but she did. And I was so jealous. That green monster of jealousy hit me so strongly that day as I realized what I had missed. The first time I held him, he cried and I had to hand him back to his birthmother. I remember feeling like a failure. Like this little soul had no idea who I was. Like I wasn't his mother. Of course there were a lot of happy feelings that day, but I still look back on that day and can feel the bitterness and sadness too. It has taken me a long time to realize that even though his birth story belongs to him and his birthmother, that I have another story I can share with him. I can share with him the miracle of his adoption.

Without my infertility, I wouldn't be able to tell my son about the peace I felt immediately after talking to his birthmother and birth grandmother for the first time or the many times we chatted after that. I also wouldn't be able to tell him about the  the adoption fund-raiser garage sale where we hoped to make $300 and made over $1700---just enough to cover all of our travel costs to and from California where he was born. I wouldn't be able to share with him the love I felt from my Father in Heaven that day of the garage sale, when all of our Stake was asked by our stake president  to pray for rain for the farmers, but I (the little rebel that I am) prayed and asked God to keep the skies clear so we could have a successful garage sale, and He did. It rained the day and night before, cleared up to a sunny and beautiful day, and the second we took down that last table, poured rain again. I have never felt so "heard" from God before, as I did that day. I love that I can tell my son that at two weeks old we bundled him up and flew to Utah, only to be received by a giant birthday cake ordered by a loving grandma, and to be greeted by friends and family who came to see my son. I love that I can also share how as we traveled back to Idaho that we had friends and neighbors literally waiting on our front door step to see him. That we had three baby showers because we had so many people waiting for this precious little life to come into our family. I love that I can share with my son that at six months old, his birth grandmother traveled to Utah and held him in the temple as he was sealed to Ryan and I, making him a part of our family forever. I love that his story, is beautiful and unique and precious. Just like any birth story. I can share that with him. It is one way I have been lucky in my infertility.

Fast forward to this past February (2014). Ryan had been looking for a job for over a year. Financially we were strapped. From the way things were looking there was going to be no adoption or babies coming into our lives anytime soon (even though we were feeling ready for another). Then, just a a week or so later, Ryan found the perfect job here in Idaho. He was excited and happy about it. I was excited that I could stop filling out so many job applications for him every day. I was also relieved that with him having an income again, that we could finally afford to put in our adoption papers a second time. So we did. Soon after, we received benefit information from Ryan's job. Our health insurance would cover IVF treatments at 80%. An unheard of benefit (1 in 10 companies provide this). So we talked about what to do, and decided to pursue both. Within a month or two, we started hearing rumors that our adoption agency might be closing it's doors. So, without knowing what would happen (fertility treatments had never worked before) we continued to pursue both adoption and IVF. The day before we started the IVF process, we received a letter from our adoption agency explaining that they would indeed be closing their adoption program. It was a simple thing, but the timing reaffirmed in our minds that this was the direction God wanted us to go in. It was one more way we were lucky in our infertility.

IVF worked beautifully. In fact even our doctor was surprised at how well my body and our tiny embryos reacted to the process. We made the tough decision to implant two embryos, but didn't expect twins. Of course, that is one more way that we have been "lucky" in our infertility. My family history is not one with twins. So, without a healthy dose of science, it is highly unlikely that we would have ever conceived twins. Yet here we are. Blessed in our infertility with twins. And my pregnancy has been wonderful. No morning sickness, no major problems. My doctor even told me that I have a picture perfect twin pregnancy thus far. We only have a few more weeks left.

Our little family stands on the cusp of some big changes. I've been blessed with something I never thought I'd get to experience: pregnancy. It has been so wonderful, and I am so grateful that I have been able to be a co-creator with God. But, it has also reaffirmed in my mind that motherhood is not defined in ones ability to carry or birth a child. My daily interactions with my two year old are the same interactions that every mother who has carried and birthed a child has with their two year old. As I've reflected on my infertility over the past few days, I've come to realize just how lucky I am. Never once have I questioned if we would have more children or not. I have always known that my son would not be an only child. I've been able to experience the best of so many worlds (adoption, multiple pregnancy, etc), and although difficult at times, I wouldn't trade it for anything. I was promised once in a blessing that I have children who are being held for me. I can honestly say that I believe that. Whether this is it, or we have many more children, each will have their own miracle of a story. Each is loved and wanted, and held for us. Because they belong in our family.

I know this little diatribe has been laced with references to God and religion. I know that not everyone I know believes what I do. But, I can testify with 100% confidence that I know that God has blessed me in my infertility. My children are precious souls that are being sent to me. I am humbled and so blessed to have a loving Father in Heaven who cares about how they get here. God loves each of you, just as He loves me and my family.

XOXO

Patricia

P.S. I know it is long past Christmas. I've been meaning to share our family Christmas pictures here, but with a new computer and other tech changes I haven't worked out all the bugs in my system of getting pictures from the camera to the computer. So for now, you just get to hear some of my rambling thoughts. Hopefully by the end of the week I can get pictures posted. :)

P.P.S I also know that God loves that families with just one child or with no children or with ten children. Each of us is sent here with a specific journey and we are blessed in that journey as we include Him. :)